When it comes to learning the quickest way to win friends, shall we turn to the person with the most followers on Twitter, the blogger with the most Diggs, the savviest salesperson, or the most powerful politician?
While each can boast of abundant followership, and while each will likely offer good advice, such people might not be our best role models. In fact, our best role models might not be people at all. Perhaps dogs are.
Whether we've stepped outside for two minutes or traveled for two weeks, dogs welcome our return as if we were heroes. They never demean us or mock us or stand us up for dates. They exist to befriend us, to orbit around us as the center of their existence. Are they ever without pure joy just being in our presence?
Dogs are called man's best friend for a reason. Stories of canine loyalty are the stuff of legend. The great poet Byron wrote of his dog Boatswain, "He had all the virtues of man and none of his vices." These are also the stories of our day. Jon Katz's A Dog Year and John Grogan's Marley & Me were nothing if not love stories written by men grieved by their dogs' passing.
Dogs know by some divine instinct that you can make more friends in minutes by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in months of trying to get other people interested in you. It is more than a furry, four-legged platitude. It is a primary principle without which no person can gain real relational traction with another. The great irony of human relations-especially when viewed through the lens of a canine-is that our longing for significance in the lives of others should be so simple to meet, yet we complicate the matter; our biggest struggle is selfishness, the single greatest deterrent to amity.
That we are interested primarily in ourselves is not a phenomenon as new as Twitter or Facebook. It predates Friendster and MySpace. It came before cell phones and email and the Internet. In the 1930s, when Carnegie was penning the original manuscript of this book, the New York Telephone Company made a detailed study of telephone conversations to find out which word was the most frequently used. The personal pronoun "I" was used 3,900 times in 500 telephone conversations.
Our selfishness, or more politely our self-interest, populates the morals of the great fables. Icarus swoops and soars into the sun's warmth, melting the wax on his wings, sending him plummeting to the ocean below because he's thinking only of himself, ignoring the pleas of his father. Peter Rabbit incurs Mr. McGregor's wrath by ignoring his mother's commands to stay out of his garden. Why did Adam and Eve disobey God in the Garden of Eden? They were thinking only of themselves.
This self-interest isn't something anyone is likely to change. It is a gravitylike reality. We are born with innate fight-or-flight tendencies. That is to say, our body of words and actions trends toward self-preservation. Yet we often forget to consider whom we are really fighting against and to what destination we are fleeing.
If we are not mindful, our self-defense can turn into self detention, keeping us from meaningful interaction and in some cases cutting us off from interpersonal progress altogether.
If we are not mindful, the destination to which we flee can
become a lonely, isolated isle. Like the city of Troy whose walls of great defense became the source of its great demise, we can insulate ourselves to the point of interpersonal futility.
"It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men," wrote Alfred Adler, the famous Austrian psychotherapist, "who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to and others. It is from such individuals that all human failures spring."
That's quite an audacious statement. But it is a statement
borne out in fact. Humanity's greatest failures, from the killing
fields of Cambodia to the collapse of Lehman Brothers, are the
result of people interested only in themselves, damn the collateral
0 damage.
These are extreme examples, but the everyday versions are just as disturbing. The general counsel busted for taking a bribe never thought of the shareholders who were counting on that stock for their retirement. The pro athlete who took performance enhancing drugs never considered how his actions would affect his teammates, his team's future, or the sport he claims love. The husband and father caught in his lie was more interested in preserving a double life than protecting his family's hearts.
Still, self-preservation's downfall is about more than catastrophes. Look back at the quote "It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life." Adler is simply explaining that a self-centered life is the most problematic life one can live. A life lived in constant interpersonal struggle. Few true friends. Shallow, short-lived influence.
This can seem a foreboding principle to embody in an age in which we are rewarded for brooding over and broadcasting our interests far and wide. But the ancient maxim is still true: "For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted."2 Our effectiveness with others is ultimately a matter of motive and merchandise. Why, in the end, are you communicating and what, in the end, are you promoting? Today people are more informed and subsequently more intuitive than ever. Most of us immediately see through a person whose messaging is only for personal benefit. We see gimmicks a mile away. We run from underhanded approaches. Instead, we gravitate to what feels real and lasting. We embrace those whose messaging offers mutual benefit.³
Andrew Sullivan, one of the world's top political bloggers, has considered such matters for more than a decade. Once the youngest-ever editor in chief of the venerable New Republic, Sul livan was diagnosed HIV-positive in the early 1990s, when it was still a death sentence. After leaving that post, Sullivan became one of the Internet's first big political bloggers, with his site hit ting more than 300,000 unique visitors per month in 2003.
One of the things that ser Sullivan apart from his peers was an intentional interaction with his readership. He wanted his blog, The Daily Dish, to be about more than politics; he wanted loyal readers, and he genuinely wanted to know more about the people who followed him.
He came up with the idea for "View from Your Window, in which he asked his readers to submit shots of the world outside their homes. As with most things on the Internet, he had no idea if it would hit. "I wanted to see their worlds," he explained, "I was giving all of these people all of this access to mine, but one way interactions are ultimately boring. It was no small gesture, and it soon boosted his relationships with readers. After the gregarious feature was introduced, Sullivan's work became the centerpiece for the Atlantic Monthly's online strategy, and that site's traffic increased by 30 percent. It is no surprise that Sul livan's robust blog following remained when he moved his blog to Newsweek and The Daily Beast. People are attracted to people who care about what interests them.
The irony of this principle-take interest in others' interests is that its effectiveness is predicated on others thinking of themselves. Its effectiveness essentially requires others being self interested. There are two things to say about this.
First, self-interest in its purest form is part of human nature fight or flight is fact. This principle does not deny self-interest's existence in all our lives. Instead it indicates that most people, on most days, forget the other side of the human equation everyone else. Most take self-interest to the self-centered end of the spectrum. The effectiveness of this principle is therefore tied directly to the infrequency with which most choose to think outside themselves on most days. The one who chooses, conversely, to take interest in other's interests on a daily basis is set apart. We remember such people, befriend them, and come to trust them more deeply. Influence is ultimately an outcropping of trust the higher the trust, the greater the influence.
Second, the pinnacle of this principle is not complete self denial. Notice the principle does not read, "Replace your interests with others' interests." It instead reads, "Take interest in others interests," and that is the secret to its application. When you incorporate others' interests into your own-not merely for the sake of clarifying your market or ascertaining your audience-you find that your interests are met in the process of helping others.
Consider bestselling author Anne Rice, who has sold more than 110 million books in her lifetime. Her career began and achieved sustained success with her famed vampire books, in cluding Interview with a Vampire, which was made into a major motion picture. While she is a uniquely gifted writer, no small part of her success has been her genuine interest in her readers. She responds to every bit of her readers' mail. This meant, at one time, employing three people full-time to eet the demand.
Her interest in others has never been feigned for the sake of book sales. "It seemed to me," she explains, "that people were kind and generous enough to have an interest in me. How could I not respond? I wanted people to know that I appreciated their letters and I appreciated them." Rice has recently taken to Facebook and Twitter, giving her
more direct contact with her fans. "Oh, it's so wonderful," she
said. "We're having a conversation about oh so many things.
She calls the community "People of the Page" and wrote recently, "I think we must remember that Facebook, and the Internet, are what we make of them. This page has accomplished something extraordinary and perhaps unique. It is truly a community, infinitely more powerful than the sum of its parts, and I thank you for making it what it is: for participating here in so many vital and inspiring discussions."
This result is as important for the owner of a business as it is for authors and bloggers.
In his cult favorite treatise, Bass-Ackward Business, business owner Steve Beecham summarily admits,
I have never considered myself a brilliant businessman.... The country was experiencing one of the great refinance booms of all time and... I jumped in with both feet. Unfortunately, the refinance well dried up before my feet got wet. I went six months without a deal and when I did finally close one it was for my brother's home.... Instead of starting over, I set out to find a way to make the business work. This is when my fate started to turn."
Beecham had already failed in two previous business ventures-a retail store and a recycling enterprise-prior to his attempt in the mortgage business. He had every reason to pack it up and head back to school or consider letting someone else hold the reins. He resisted long enough to see that his approach was wrong from the beginning. He was after business when he should have been after relationships.
He goes on to describe an unexpected encounter in a parking lot with a selfless celebrity that taught him the visceral value of taking interest in others' interests:
Before I could get another word in, he started asking me questions... Where'd you grow up? What do you do for a living? What high school did you go to? What are your kids' names? I left the encounter feeling ten feet tall.... In a subtle and unassuming way, he'd elevated himself in my mind.
The encounter taught Beecham an invaluable lesson. From that day forward, he committed to asking thoughtful questions of every new person he met and every acquaintance he didn't know very well. "Specifically," he explains, "I decided to become a problem solver and a promoter. with no strings attached. This is when my business began to not only turn around; it began to take off."
In a matter of months Beecham's job turned into a lucrative career, and soon he became so successful he owned a mortgage company that has since its inception remained at the top of the industry. Perhaps more significant is that his business has been 100 percent referral-based for a decade. He estimates that each day one-quarter of the calls his office receives have nothing to do with obtaining a mortgage-something he's very proud of. They are people calling with questions like "Where should I get my car repaired?" "Where should I take my in-laws to dinner?" and "Whom should I call for life insurance?"
He explains that these people call him because he's become known as the go-to guy in a large local network of friends. didn't get that way by holding free mortgage seminars or erecting a large billboard featuring my confident, trustworthy face," quips Beecham. "I got that way by helping people without hustling them for business. It is why Thoreau wrote, "Goodness is the only investment that never fails.""
The same spirit of relating is within reach of every one of us in every interaction. How simple it is to set out motivated only to get to know others and find a problem you can help solve or a pursuit you can help promote. This is the simple secret to what Beecham calls bass-ackward business. Yet the truth is that the typical ways most conduct themselves in business relationships is what's backward.
"I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine"-this isn't reciprocity, it's bartering, an entirely different trajectory that removes the magic. And it's unadulterated magic that makes interactions so memorable. It's what draws us in. There is trust and a genuine sense of belonging and meaning.
Today there is simply no excuse not to take an interest in others' interests. Even if you are not actively involved in clubs. groups, or local organizations where face-to-face interactions are possible, there is still an abundance of opportunities to learn about others' passions and concerns. What could happen if you spent five minutes every day reading through the Facebook page of three friends, the professional biographies of three clients, or the personal blogs of three employees you haven't taken the time to know well? For starters, you'd certainly learn some thing about them you didn't know before. It's also likely you would come to appreciate them more. Perhaps you have similar interests; this is fodder for future conversation, even for future collaboration. Perhaps one is going through a difficult time; this is an opportunity to engage them with encouragement and a greater level of empathy. Perhaps you have a mutual friend; wouldn't this make your relationship much easier, as trust is already established in a common friend and time is already invested in common experiences? One can never underestimate the importance of affinity.
"We tend to dislike what we don't know," blogged Amy Martin, founder of social media powerhouse Digital Royalty and one of Forbes magazine's "20 Best-Branded Women on Twitter," after her first experience with NASCAR.10 "Many people don't understand, or better yet 'get' . . . the so-called monotonous day of left turns and mullets." She was admittedly in that camp before attending the 2011 Daytona 500. Shortly thereafter she wrote a blog post singing NASCAR's praises for achieving a level of genuine connection and influence with its fan base that is rare in professional sports.
"Here's what I learned," she writes. "Drivers do fan Q&As and autograph sessions the day of the race. The Daytona 500 happens to be the biggest day of the year for NASCAR. I don't think Brett Favre was chatting it up with thousands of fans the day of the Super Bowl. I received a magical 'hot pass' and could go anywhere. It was uncomfortably exciting having unlimited access and at times I worried about getting in the crew's way. I was a part of the action and wasn't the only one. Bottom line, fans have access."
As for why Martin believes NASCAR's approach is a smart move for any sport, she cites the following reasons:
• Access leads to connection. (Fans are able to sign the actual racetrack.)
• Connection leads to relationships. (At all ages)
• Relationships lead to affinity. (You can't fake this affinity.)
• Affinity leads to influence. (There's a reason so many brands are attracted to NASCAR.)
• Influence leads to conversion. (These fans would likely buy anything this driver is selling.)
Martin ends her post with a nod to the potential reach of NASCAR's genuine connectivity with its fan base-150,000 fans in the stands and 30 million television viewers-were they to embrace the opportunities the digital age affords them. "There is huge potential," she writes, "when you apply this same access via social media to a larger audience. What if the same behind-the scenes access available to fans physically at the Daytona 500 was available to those billions of potential fans fon Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube] who are not watching the race on TV?""
Martin's post bridges the two key points of taking interest in others' interests today:
1. Human' relations are always easier when they begin from a place of affinity.
2. The potential for relational connectivity is astronomical.
The bottom line is that you must become genuinely interested in others before you can ever expect anyone to be interested in you. "All things being equal," said author John Maxwell in a recent interview, "people do business with people they like. All things not being equal, they still do." We like people who like us. So to be liked, you must exhibit admiration for the things others do and say.
Many have argued that people no longer have much interest in others. The "me" focus dominates how we think, act, and communicate. Yet you have so many opportunities to stay connected, to learn more, to show your interest. Changing how you spend just a small portion of each day can dramatically change how others perceive your level of interest in them. Changing your customer engagement strategy can dramatically change how the marketplace perceives your company.
Instead of spending each day refining your digital media, spend time relating to your friends, colleagues, and clients. Post brief, admiring notes. Interact with them and discover what problems you might help solve or what pursuits you might help promote; we are all driven by pain and pleasure, so such prospects exist in every person. When you are sincere in your endeavors to connect with others, chances are always higher that meaningful connection will occur. Progressive, mutually beneficial collaboration is then possible. And today, genuine connection and collaboration can quickly become infectious.
REGARDS.
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